Day 39: Random Panic Attack Strikes
I’ve been occasionally plagued by nightmares since I was a child. In fact, I can recall quite a few of them even today in my middle age. One in particular involved a giant, brightly lit pastry shop full of all manner of goodies that I was forced to choose from while suffering from not-so-surreal-stomach-pains. Upon waking I promptly puked all over the side of the bed.
This night however was strange in that I don’t actually remember the visual images that spawned the horde of nightmare spooked anxiety. It seemed more about how I felt in the world rather than watching some horrid dream about disease or violence blossom before my inner eyes. Specifically I how I feel in the winter wonderland that has just graced our doorways yards, and streets.
I feel simultaneously clutched by claustrophobia and lost and alone in the cold white vastness of the season.
This is not unlike how I sometimes feel about the web actually. The big, world wide, usually friendly, web. As I sit down and type out a piece of my story on a white background, I wonder how much of it will actually get heard, how much will just get swallowed up by the vastness, or how much will just get piled on top of all the rest of the content out there as millions of readers slide right over it unknowingly.
I really hate to add to that pile, what one of my internet guru friends calls the “echo chamber”. Millions of digitized voices all saying the same thing over and over, in blogs, videos, comments, etc. It’s this popularity contest that we as social media “personalities” both strive for and I think in our hearts probably abhore, if we are REAL anyway.
This preoccupation with getting large numbers on the web reminds me of one of the musings within the book The Little Prince :
Grown-ups like numbers. When you tell them about a new friend, they never ask questions about what really matters. They never ask: “What does his voice sound like?” “What games does he like best?” “Does he collect butterflies?”. They ask: “How old is he?” “How many brothers does he have?” “How much does he weigh?” “How much money does his father make?” Only then do they think they know him.
But on days like this I almost fear that I am too small a blip on the screen…a very childish fear I am sure, but one I cannot help have while being so sensitive to the world, web and real.
Tags: anxiety, bad dreams, bipolar disorder, emotions, girl, girl talk, manic depression, nightmares, panic attacks, woman
Manny
Very thoughtfully written. I’ve since ceased to wonder about my importance in this Internet WORLD, maybe it’s because it is something I’ve eased into over time and hence I just see it as a progression. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and don’t give a damn really.
More importantly than your blip on the web, which could be for business or social reason, I would weigh in that it’s the blip you make in the lives of you people closest to you that matter most.
My greatest fear has always been to die in complete anonymity without a soul that knows me around either because of distance or because they have all died. Maybe that is why I obsess about immortality. One the one hand I will never die and hence never face a death of anonymity and on the other because I will always live I can ensure that anyone I know will never face that death because I will always be there to help them leave with friends and loves ones around.
Don’t fear your presence because to us your friends we value your existence in our lives.
Michelle
*sigh* Even reading about your nightmares sends me into a dreamy state. I do love the way you write.
I can relate to your anxiety, but remember, if your voice is heard by one person, it is heard. And sometimes, one person is enough:
Once a man was walking along a beach. Off in the distance he could see a person going back and forth between the surf’s edge and and the beach. As the man approached he could see that there were hundreds of starfish stranded on the sand as the result of the natural action of the tide.
The man was stuck by the the apparent futility of the task. There were far too many starfish. Many of them were sure to perish. As he approached the person continued the task of picking up starfish one by one and throwing them into the surf.
As he came up to the person he said, “You must be crazy. There are thousands of miles of beach covered with starfish. You can’t possibly make a difference.” The person looked at the man. He then stooped down and pick up one more starfish and threw it back into the ocean. He turned back to the man and said, “It sure made a difference to that one!”
Manny
Michelle that was a wonderful tale and it highlights your point completely
365daygirl
@michelle ah that is lovely! thanks for the reminder :)
online payday advance
I have had this happen to me numerous times and it really sucks. I hate having feelings like that.
Mattie D. Franco
Thank you for the information I kinda knew some of that but you enlightened me on a little more.
panic attack symptoms
My team and I stumbled upon your site when we were browsing the internet. After reading your site I wanted to say that as a newbie I am blown away at all the information that you provide. Do you take the time to answer all these comments on your site?
Blake Krzyminski
I’ve personally dealt with panic anxiety problems my whole life. It started when I was just a kid and I’ve had to cope with them since then. I found a solution that has helped me get them done once and for all. I will tell you that it wasn’t quick or easy, but after a while I was able to finally get rid of them. I’ve finally got rid of them and its like I’ve started a new life not having panic attacks. I also saw a Dr. Oz special a few days ago, sometimes it isn’t a panic attack that is the root of the problem, I’d also recommend talking to your doctor. I wish you the best!
Marvinskyz
my doctor prescribed me some SSRI for my panic attacks. those medications also helped but i dont like the side effects of SSRIs.